Michael McGhee details the second 5 of his 10 most embarrassing moments in LAN history.

A late edition of the Ten Most Embarrassing Moments today but I think I have a pretty valid excuse. You see earlier during my routine web browse I came across BBC One's coverage of Wimbledon and just as I was about to start writing the piece Aussie old timer Lleyton Hewitt stepped onto centre court for his crunch round 2 match with the number 5 seed Robin Soderling. Eager to see whether he could relive his glory days I tuned in for the first set - which turned out to be a classic. The second was even better as the man from down under looked impervious to the big Swede's powerful game, going two sets up in under 2 hours.

It was about that point I started writing an intro to this piece and detailing the first on the list - the infamous "why you a cunt?" scenario - however I glanced back 30 minutes later and Soderling was right back in it, picking up a set of his own and showing some heart so, naturally I tuned back in. It turns out the match was the best of the tournament so far, going the distance and seeing both players exchange breaks early on in the fifth set before Soderling could finally put the game to bed - and I could finally start typing up this article.

A long winded and sports heavy excuse I know, but I'll give a quick warning not to expect much coverage from myself during Wimbledon, just wait until Andy Murray is playing..

Why you a cunt?

LAN for most people is about playing the game that they love in a competitive environment where nerves are at their highest, yet for some it's about settling old scores, starting new ones or plain and simple scrapping with people they don't like. Everyone in the community is fond of a good old LAN scrap and when it does happen there are endless forum posts and conversations detailing every last punch (and normally adding 20 more), I guess it's oddly exciting to watch nerds beat each other up, a bit like making two chavs play chess.

There have been numerous down the years: joersqy vs fnc, beta vs fataL (we'll get to that later), RattlesnK vs random.. The list goes on, yet rarely have we seen two players go head to head in front of TV cameras mid-interview. I guess it's fair to say that it came as a bit of a shock to see young up and comer Hamza 'X' Mahmood offer his former mentor outside during an interview with the EPS UK Finals presenter. The man doing the interview, a relatively inexperienced Matt Rider had heard about the tension between both players and felt it would be a good idea to have them up on stage to settle their differences, perhaps with some hand shakes and kisses. Things don't really work like that when one of the players is from East London though and when tasked with asking Luke 'KritikaL' Green a question an angry looking Hamza blasted "Why you a cunt?".

Fits of laughter erupted from the watching crowd and a rather puzzled looking Luke tried to save the show from descending further into chaos by keeping it on topic. Hamza wasn't up for letting it pass though and as the interview progressed he grew more angry at his opponent, eventually offering him outside after their match together, stating that he'd take on the security as well as the Fragmasters team. The entire incident was caught live on camera but unfortunately Luke 'KritikaL' Green threatened to sue the ESL for defamation of character had they not removed every copy and burned the back-ups.

Thankfully we came across some mobile phone footage of the event which has since been remastered, meaning you can watch it in all of its glory.

To cheat or not to cheat? That really shouldn't be the question.

You Brazilians, with your sunshine, Ayahuasca, samba and other various flamboyant stuff, you're so crazy. The South Americans like to take everything to the next level, with the Brazilians normally at the centre of it. In e-sports, and 1.6 in particular, things are no different and the Brazilians have been able to dominate their local scene for a number of years, spawning some of the best teams to ever play the game including the legendary MiBR who stormed to ESWC glory before switching to the CGS to try their hand at CS:S.

Sadly since that team stormed to first place at the ESWC in 2006 nobody has been able to replicate the sort of skill or performances that got them there in the first place. Various players and teams have tried and failed to cut it at the top of the scene, but one man decided to go the extra mile and do what nobody else was willing to in order to reach the top: cheat his way there. The mans name was Pedro "aSpx" Slatovisk and he will be forever remembered as that twat who tried to cheat at LAN.

It was during the Brazilian WCG qualifier in São Paulo, 2009. Playing for team ECO-COBRA - who managed to finish 4th-5th at the tournament - he was discovered to be using an apparent wallhack throughout the tournament. How the hell can he cheat at LAN? You'll no doubt be asking, the answer? Well it's pretty simple: He sat at the end of the table with his monitor facing the wall at all times, he grew angry when spectators sat behind him too, as reported on hltv.org at the time. Shortly after the tournament various players raised their concerns about Pedro's legitimacy and a bust video was soon made.

Shortly after the event the video was one of the most talked about subjects in the 1.6 community and before long the Brazilian WCG hosts issued a statement, they said:

The player "aSpx" has been suspended from all competitions I will organize for a minimum period of six years, with the sentence due to be reviewed after three years, and from all big qualifiers, events like g3x-cup, Brazil Cup and Allstar Games are also included," Marcucci told TeamPlay.com.br.

As for ECO.COBRA I have decided to apply a minimum sentence to the team, they are suspended for one year, with the review in six-months' time.

So there you have it. It really is possible to cheat at LAN, I just wouldn't recommend it if you ever fancy attending one again.

Guns4Hire take their name to the real world, fataL-y!

IG5 was one of the most competitive tournaments of the CGS era, seeing plenty of teams from around Europe make the trip to the Omega Sektor in Birmingham to battle it out for bragging rights ahead of the second season draft and a hotly contested i33 CS:S tournament. Yet despite being hugely competitive and featuring some of the best games of that year it will only be remembered for two things, the 'illegal' defuse from Ollie 'crazycat' Netherton which cost Guns4Hire the match against arch rivals London Mint, and the fight which broke out afterwards between some of the g4h players and one, obnoxious spectator

It wasn't any old spectator though, oh no, it was former Zboard player and former Omega Sektor employee Kyle 'fataL' Mardell. He has been fired from his position within the Omega Sektor not long before the tournament but decided to make the trip to the event to watch the action unfold, only he knows if he had any intention of becoming that very action. After losing their match to London Mint the team were distraught, one player in particular took the defeat badly, Tom 'beta' Hanna. He had been part of London Mint in the past before being removed and as such, it became a personal goal of his to defeat his former team, to have it cruelly snatched away left him fuming.

Kyle 'fataL' Mardell, for those who aren't familiar with his past antics, was a difficult character at the best of times, however if you get on the wrong side of him then it becomes a real test of patience to deal with his goading and abuse. On that fateful day Tom 'beta' Hanna could handle no more, flying at fatal and grabbing the former Zboard man, before long the scuffle had attracted the attention of others and as it escalated the teammate of beta, Nat 'tiLs' Tilsley jumped to his defence, catching fataL with a blow or two before things were split up and settled down.

It was rumoured that both players would be banned from the venue and unable to attend the second CGS Combine because of it, with fataL apparently eager to press charges on the pair. However it was soon discovered that the CCTV footage hadn't been recorded and the players were free to attend the CGS Draft later that year. Kyle on the other hand received a permanent ban from the venue, and in turn banished from e-sports.. FOREVER.

You know what it's like. In BEDFORD?

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Ok now that's out the way it's time to move onto my personal favourite, the infamous switchem incident. You're supposed to go to LAN with friends, it's a place where people are vulnerable and where youngsters are - on occasion - exposed to the adult world of alcohol and fighting. As such, surrounding yourself with possible hazards and people who could do harm isn't a smart idea, for those who have yet to learn this vital lesson I present this video:

You see, switchem had shown up to i33 with some friends to take part in the CS:S tournament, however after a couple of days he ran into some trouble when he decided to drink more than his young frame could handle. We all know young people + alcohol is a recipe for disaster and as such it sent him slightly bonkers, as a joke he thought it would be funny to pour water over his teammates peripherals, soaking them to the bone.

After many more drinks the joke soon turned on him as he passed out, unconscious at his chair. Crowds gathered and began toying with the drunkard, drawing various stuff on his face before a large man upped the ante, rubbing butter all over him. It was then that the teammate who had earlier had water poured on his stuff chose to pour a bottle of piss on his mousemat and peripherals, convinced that switchem had done the same to him earlier.

Upon waking up switchem found chairs, boxes, cases and more piled on top of him, barely able to move he soon found his piss covered stuff and lost the plot. He disappeared for a while before found by - a great cameraman - Osh Vaugan, it was then he uttered the now immortal words "You know what it's like in Bedford. I'm gonna stab him". The incident has gone down in LAN folklore and is still talked about by the newcomers to these days, told over campfires by the seasoned veterans it is a story that will likely never be forgotten.

Mixa vs GPO - The fabled LAN battle

Ben 'mixa.rar' Bush is an enigmatic figure in e-sports. Back in the extremely early days of the game he was considered one of the better players in the UK with heaps of potential, however he was incapable of taking the game seriously and as such tailed off rapidly when it became popular. He slowly but surely turned to management and was part of xciteuk for a good while before leaving the e-sports scene behind. He will be remembered more for his antics outside of the game though, given his crazy personality.

i32 was the last i-series event that was still considered a community event before things turned all professional. During the event Ben was on the warpath, with a cocktail of narcotics inside him and more alcohol than a normal man could withstand he began asking around for a spare cigarette, hoping to come across a particularly generous gamer. One man decided to help out on the balcony of the berkshire stand, Geordie Pigeon Owner, better known as GPO. The details of their encounter are sketchy but things soon escalated into a full out brawl and the pair were found rolling around the venue, smashing chairs over each other and throwing fists of fury before being split up by security.

Ben was swiftly removed from the venue and sent back to the campsite to sort himself out, that of course in his mind meant rejoining the xciteuk guys in their tent for some 10am vodka. As he sat in the tent he heard an ominous voice rampaging around the campsite.

"WHERE ARE YOU MIXA? MIXA YOU CUNT? WHERE ARE YOU!!!"

Or something to that effect. He lay in wait and things went quiet before he chose to have a peek outside his tent to see if the coast was clear. The timing couldn't have been better and as he stuck his head outside of the tent entrance it was met by the boot of GPO, dragging his entire body out of the tent.

That event was the last for mixa.rar and it was followed up by a spree of robbing, including an entire BBQ and tent full of food from some unwitting gamers. Who knows what has happened to the infamous mixa.rar, but his spirit lives on.