Michael McGhee details the plan of the evil Dr.Gonzo to create the ultimate CS:S player.

For those of you who aren't in the know, I've been living in the same house as your beloved Richard Lewis for a little under a year now, 300 miles from my native Glasgow in the dull, murky city of Birmingham. I had decided to escape the perils of Glasgow on a whim and at the time the prospect of living with friends was very appealing, I could do what I wanted, eat what I wanted, drink when I wanted, wake up when I wanted and go to sleep when I wanted. It was the ultimate freedom and one that, for a while kept me happy.

Anyone who has heard me speak will know that I don't have the easiest accent in the world to understand - try watching the "interviews" I conducted at the recent iseries - so for the past year I've been a something of a recluse, unable to strike up friendships with the locale for fear of being outcast it has been on Richard to keep me entertained. For the first eight months of my time here that's exactly what he did and we became close friends, however that friendship has been wavering for the past few months for a number of shocking reasons.

You see it all goes back to the 14th of April at around 1:00AM, the memory of that night will live with me forever with each vivid and gory detail etched into my mind for eternity. Richard had been acting weird in the build up to that fateful day, he was introverted and his thoughts seemed scattered at the best of times. I knocked on his door early that morning and caught a glance of his normally prim and tidy room, there were books strewn across the floor and poorly drawn sketches on the wall, on his desk there was a pile of notes which had been scribbled on but when he saw me look at them he snapped, it was the first time I had caught a glance of his face in a few days; wild eyes, unshaven and splashes of what looked like blood just above his eyebrow he looked not unlike a modern day Charles Manson - little did I know his mental state was not dissimilar.

I backed off and allowed him to retreat to his hub once more where he instantly began sketching more drawings on the wall, mumbling to himself as he did so. I spent the rest of the afternoon running things through my mind, what was on those notes? Why was he drawing what looked like body parts on the wall? Was that blood on his face? The questions were plentiful and I had decided to make it my goal to find the answers, documenting exactly what he was up to for the next few weeks. Later that night I lay in bed, fully clothed and Red-Bulled out of my mind waiting for the first signs of Richard.

I heard his door creak open and him tiptoe past my room and down the stairs, instantly I sprung out of bed, as soon as I heard the front door close I lunged down the stairs and began following him. Birmingham isn't the most welcoming city at the best of times but after midnight it takes on a life of its own. Street walkers aplenty, dangerous looking men standing on corners and a number of violent animals roaming the streets, I began to fear for my safety. The walk lasted some time before I saw him head into an old abandoned factory just outside of Erdington.

As I approached the place the wretched smell of dead flesh overcame me, like napalm burning on my nostrils I began coughing and spluttering. "Be quiet" I thought to myself, exhasperated at the thought of being caught by Richard; who knows what he was up to in that place, I didn't want to be the next victim. Alas it was too little too late, he stormed out of the door with a look in his eyes I hadn't seen before, he was furious. "My creation, it's just not working, it's not WORKING", he punched the door he'd just exited from leaving a nasty cut on his knuckles.

I tried to console him, "What's wrong Rich?" I asked, he replied sharply, "It's Dr Gonzo. Not Rich". Something had gone awry in his head, I decided to enter the warehouse and in the middle of a vast open floor I saw a surgical table with nothing but a torso and one leg hanging by a thread, next to the table was another leg. My adreneline was pumping by this point, fear and excitement leaving me gripped I turned to 'Gonzo' and asked him what the hell he was doing.

"How many hours have we spent writing pieces about who the best CS:S players are Mick? Yet each time we do it's met with nothing but disdain from the community, everyone has their own opinions and we can't change that, we will never be right - no matter who we say is the best. I know how to be right though, I know exactly how to be right."

He spent the next hour going over his heinous plan, he was going to create the ultimate CS:S player using parts from current and past greats. Taking inspiration from Dr.Frankenstein he would build the ultimate being. It was a completely bonkers idea but I found myself strangely compelled by the thought of such a thing. He had obviously been getting away with it, he had two seperate bodies laid out on a table in a factory, could it be possible? I spent that night running everything through my head and by the end I had decided to help him achieve his goal, after all it would be pretty cool to see..

We drew up our plans the next day. It was clear the most difficult part would be getting the players personalities, nobody had ever joined two different people's thoughts and emotions together so it was going to be a real challenge. We started by taking an ordinary persons brain and hacking off the different sections that we would be replacing, first up was the Tactula Oblongata - the tactical part of the brain. Going through the greatest tacticians in the game one name sprung out more than any other, Henrik 'FeTiSh' Christensen.

The Danish CKRAS captain and caller is renowned for being one of the best in-game leaders on the planet, with various top players past and present singing his praises constantly. He has led Magnitude, ROCCAT, The Imperial and Reason Gaming to numerous podium placings down the years and continues to constantly develop and invent new and exciting strategies and set-ups. Selecting Henrik as our tactician was a no-brainer (pun totally intended). Next up we had to find a man who was quick-thinking, had the ability to lead and the ability to think on his feet under extreme pressure, it could only be Sebastian 'krL' Perez.

Much like Henrik the Frenchman has been the vital cog in almost every team he has played for, and remains one of the most successful players the game has ever seen. Down the years he has won tens of thousands of pounds in prize money and at one point he and his team were considered untouchable, much of it down to his ability to lead in-game when the going gets tough. To compliment the tactical nuance of FeTiSh and the sharp minded ability of krL we needed someone who was committed, who strived to be the best and who would let nothing get in his way - Kevin 'Ex6TenZ' Droolans.

The Belgian has been the man propelling the current VeryGames lineup to National and International dominance for over a year now. One of the most versatile players in the world and arguably the most complete also, he can call, he can develop strategies, he can frag, he can support, but most of all - he wants to win and will do anything to be the best. So, with our CS:S players mind fully in-place it was just a matter of acquiring the body parts, a task we thought would be much easier.

First up was attaching those damn legs that had sent 'Gonzo' wild on the night I discovered his plan. They belonged to Henry 'HenryG' Greer, a British player who has enjoyed a vast amount of success in the past. "Why did you get his legs Gonzo?" I asked him, his reply was simple:

"People get nervous when they play my young padawan, even the best can succum to nerves at times. When the nerves do build up we need a way to get rid of them, movement helps and Henry is famous for doing just that. If you watch him at events you'll notice his leg bouncing up and down, we need that for our creation, he needs to be able to release the pent up nerves and energy."

After attaching the legs we moved onto the arms, the part which proved the most difficult. When deciding on our subject we would use for the arms of our creation we were unsure what attributes they would need. Steady hands was one thing and fluid movement was another, but we also needed someone who was strong enough to fight off people in-case of an emergency. We settled for Frank 'FrankstaH' Rini, the man who was most recently seen with Fragmasters Toxic. Problems arose during the extraction though as his arms proved just too strong to saw through or snap off, so we went with the back-up plan, taking his teammate Luke 'KritikaL' Green's arms instead.

At first things seemed fine but the same problem kept occurring each time we tried to attach them, they would break, constantly. It delayed the activation of our monster for a number of weeks but in the end we stabilized them using metal rods, and on to the head we went. We needed someone with razer sharp vision and the ability to see things and react quicker than Tom Cruise in Top Gun. After a long discussion we went for Slovakian star Marek '.PhP' Kadek, the best player to ever come from Eastern Europe and the one man that teams actually feared when in his prime.

The nose of Martin 'orga' Hansen followed next, with the dog-like ability to smell fear from his opponents and pounce when the time was right it was the perfect addition. What would a good CS:S player be without the ability to shit-talk, right? For the mouth we needed someone who was commanding, who wasn't afraid to speak their mind and who had the balls to be cocky and out-spoken, Mohammad 'mOE' Assad, the only American worthy of a spot on our monster. Just one thing remained, some sweet hair, and for that we chose Ollie 'crazycat' Netherton. With the monster completed we began the activation process, finally, after two months of hard labour and painstaking hours our creature was ready to be unveiled, and here he is:

Since his activation he has been practicing non-stop in the spare room of our house, he has even learned to say a few words and it won't belong before he's screaming "THAT'S NOT THE WAY IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE!!!". Despite my reservations at the beginning - we were killing innocent gamers to create a mash up - I grew to love our very own little monster. I think we're all proud of what we have achived, and if any of you question it.. Well, I don't think you will.