Michael McGhee wonders why LAN is such a stressful experience for gamers, pundits and spectators alike.

I've just returned from yet another LAN, my ninth i-series in a row after yet another weekend of event coverage. Upon arrival I felt the usual sense of excitement and giddiness that I felt the very first time I attended a LAN event over four years ago. I have no idea why I still get that feeling but I do and it's great to see the many faces you interact with on a daily basis and some of the old faces you've not seen in many months, or even years. It's great to see the game you love played at the highest level and it's great, as a fan of e-sports to watch it continually grow as the years go on.

Yet after the honeymoon period of about two days it turns into a tiresome slog, no matter the reasons for showing up. As the weekend progresses the bags under the eyes of players and pundits alike begin to grow whilst the pain of sleepless nights and long days begins to etch itself into their face like a tattoo. Smiles soon turn to frowns and laughs to groans as the body begins to feel the crushing weight of LAN. I've decided to look at why LAN is such a stressful experience for people and think I've come up with the perfect answer.

Some people would argue that the constant mental strain of playing so many games in succession will play a part in the deterioration of ones spirits throughout the course of a LAN event, and they would have a valid point. It's recommended that anyone using a PC does so for short periods of time and takes frequent intervals from doing so, and that's just for simple tasks. Playing high level competitive games requires the utmost concentration and it can be physically as well as mentally exerting, doing so over a 12-13 hour period can leave even the most mentally stable character a mess.

Of course getting plenty of rest is pivotal to surviving the LAN experience mentally intact, yet even players who hit the hay at reasonable times are left looking frail and worn down by the end of the weekend. Perhaps it's a diet of greasy food and snacks that do it to the body? A poor diet can lead to various problems and if people are used to a healthy lifestyle it can be difficult to adapt. I've seen enough LANs to know how popular pizza, chips, burgers and chocolate are with the vast majority of gamers - it can't be very healthy, especially when washing it down with beers and energy drinks.

Yes the diet is a major issue too, yet even the guys who eat nothing but good meals, fruit and drink nothing but water feel more agitated and stressed out than a woman on her cycle. You see, ladies and gentlemen, I have a theory. It's not the most pleasant theory and it's one that isn't brought up much, but it's a theory none the less. What causes the mental anguish in gamers at LAN events isn't the stress of playing, it's not the lack of sleep, it's not the poor diet and it's not the lack of physical exercise. It's because we don't have any "alone time" for the duration of the event.

Anyone who has been to team building exercises or spent time bunking with someone will be familiar with the feeling of having no space, no time to be alone and constantly surrounded by others. When it comes to attending LAN events things are very much the same; players show up with their team, they play with their team, they have a drink with their team, they go to the hotel with their team, they sleep with their team, they wake up with their team, they drive to the venue with their team and the cycle continues. This leaves no time for males - many of them red blooded - to 'tend to themselves'.

The average male masturbates between 3-5 times per week and for many gamers it's a hell of a lot more. For most of us it's a way of letting off some steam and relaxing and is as natural as going to the loo, I know some people who can't sleep unless they masturbate at night. If we're constantly surrounded by people the chances are we're not going to be doing that. After one day it's not too difficult to deal with. In day two things get slightly more difficult but all in all it's manageable. By the time day three comes things are at boiling point as the mind races and the frustration builds and on day four and we've just about given up hope. This is a serious issue and one that should be looked at.

When in pressure situations and during the course of a LAN event players are under immense stress. Many people have difficulty sleeping when stressed out or under pressure and this of course has a knock-on effect when it comes to the mental strain of playing for hours the next day. Masturbation, and orgasm in particular lowers the blood pressure and increases relaxation through the release of Endorphins, meaning players can get a good nights sleep ahead of a big game the next morning. It's also well known that masturbation acts as a stress relief and the Endorphins released have a calming effect on the brain, not only that, done regularly enough it will cause your biceps to get super massive. For most males it's a requirement and at LAN it's simply not possible unless you fancy jacking off in the toilets like some people have tried - I wouldn't recommend it.

This, in my humble opinion is the main cause of arguments within teams and the reason so many sides fold after LAN. You probably think I've gone completely mental, but think about it: when is the last time we heard of a team falling out and arguing with each other on the first day of LAN? It's nothing to do with player performances or personality clashes, it's just because they're frustrated after spending 5 days in each others company without respite, flare ups are bound to happen. I say it's time to speak up against these pressing issues. The onus is now on organisations around the world to supply teams with an extra hotel room, to be used specifically for the purposes of masturbation. Hell just booking a hotel near the cities Red Light district and chalking it up as expenses could create a whole new level of player. One who doesn't buckle under pressure and one who is cool, calm and collected for the duration of an event.

This could solve many of the CS:S scenes problems and make attending LAN events much more bearable for the many players around the world who do so. If that's beyond the organisations budget perhaps we could campaign for event organisers to provide a special room, filled with all of the amenities and materials needed for gamers to de-frustrate. Like the Red Room at i-series we could make a White Room. It's up to the big shots to make it happen though, this could be the first time the G7 has done something useful since its inception, it could be used for solving problems rather than stroking ego's. None of us are willing to discuss this problem but we all know it exists, lets finally make a stand, you can be part of something special here. It's time to fight back, wankers.